If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
