hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
