woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
