My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
