Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
