I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
