i used baking grease as lip gloss
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
