Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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