i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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