It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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