I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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