im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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