my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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