oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
