Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
