dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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