Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
