you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
