Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
