My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
