dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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