I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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