smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
