can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Randomize
