Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
