she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
