i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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