it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
