i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
