DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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