At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
