you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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