she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
he high fived his dick after we had sex
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
