I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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