I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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