I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
