I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
