why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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