my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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