I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
