I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
