I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
