i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
