it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
