Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think your dad took our porno
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
