1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
