What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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