I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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