You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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