FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
