At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
