My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
